New How to Chat Constructively: STOP asking 'How Are You?'

den1973

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Лично я перестал испытывать особую симпатию к windice((
 

Const4ntine

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"How are you?" These are the three most useless words in the world of communication. The person asking doesn't really want to know, and the person responding doesn't tell the truth. What follows is a lost opportunity and meaningless exchange with zero connection.

Stop Asking 'How are you?'

But the key to making the most out of small talk, according to Harvard researchers, is to simply ask the other person follow-up questions. In a series of experiments, researchers analyzed more than 300 online conversations and found that those who were asked more meaningful follow-up questions (a.k.a. questions that aren't "how are you?" or "what do you do?"), found the other person much more likable.

"When people are instructed to ask more questions, they are perceived as higher in responsiveness, an interpersonal construct that captures listening, understanding, validation and care," the researchers wrote.

So how do you move from tongue-tied to being a charismatic and interesting person? It depends on the question you start with, and then you can focus on the stream of follow-up questions.​

Here are a couple of tactics to having a meaningful conversation:
1. Use the A.C.T. trick to start a connection
When was the last time you were in a meeting that didn't start with small talk? It's a natural way for people to connect. Start with a question that will build up to a conversation that meets the A.C.T. criteria:
  • A - There's authenticity
  • C - There's a connection
  • T - There's a topic that will give them taste of who you are
Some of those questions might be:
  • "What's your current state of mind?" Any plans to murder plinko or crash today?
  • "What are you looking forward to this week?" Any juicy wins yet?
  • "You remind me of a celebrity, but I can't remember which one — who's someone you relate to?"
  • Have you started on the new forum challenge yet?
  • Heard you have completed the forum challenge, how long did it take for you to hunt that down?
2. Move beyond the "hourly update"
The fallback for a lot of people is like the newscast "hourly update" — traffic, sports, weather, and so on.
And those endless 'Hi' & 'Hello'
Drill this into your head: It is a horrible icebreaker. There are a few exceptions, like if it's a genuine interest of yours and your boss or colleague shares that passion. But try to move beyond those cliché topics to things that are more important and personal to you.
3. Be in the moment and observe your surroundings
Open your eyes before you open your mouth. Find something to focus on in your surroundings, like the piece of art on the wall, a quirky gadget or family picture on their desk, a race car helmet, scattered coins from various countries and so on. There's bound to be something that will spark small talk and help lead the conversation into unique follow-up questions.

4. Share some news (that actually happened)
If you have "news," share it: "I adopted a pet over the weekend" or "My 6-year-old rode a bike for the first time yesterday!" Believe it or not, most people actually do want to know more about others, especially if they both work at the same company.
If you're new to a company and leading a team, for example, start your first meeting by going around the room and asking each person to say one interesting thing that recently happened in their lives. As a result of that momentary sharing, you've allowed everyone to feel more personally and genuinely connected with each other.
The objective to is be genuine and not simply make something up. Otherwise, you run the risk of not knowing how to answer follow-up questions about something you have little or no experience with.
When you make an effort to speak up, others will listen and connect with you.

5. Make the pivot
This is where small talk goes to the next level, as you segue from talking about something small to the issue at hand.
If the conversation is already flowing, it will be easier than you think and ask follow-up questions.

Open your eyes before you open your mouth

at last.....they ruin the games chat...only for the rain sys.....stop chat sh***s
 

Pokwvmh170

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Well, you have a point there. Even I feel sad at times if I see some of my friends online but don't even say hi to me in the chat. Hahaha! (Just feeling important here. Lol). But what's funny is when someone greets and asks you, and cuz you're too generous to answer back, you told him/her how your day is etc etc.. and in return, you ask the same question to that person, and either you get only "ok" as a reply, or you won't get any reply at all. Hahaha!!
this made me feel just a tad bit sad. since I see so many people all the time which we all do but I rarely ever even say much of anything let alone how are you. but that does not mean or is not intended to be as I am ignoring anyone. In fact I see some folks and might even have extensive thoughts about them yet never say anything unless or until I deem it may be of something with little more substance than "HRU". generally my first question when I get online and BTW is usually never directed towards one but rather the mass in general is how is everyones luck today. Reason I ask is I wish to gain a possible edge with knowledge of how the algorithm is treating people. and if I could I would get into a long indepth query of odds, time span between rolls, frequency of red-green etc. these are all important factors I wish to discover but rarely does anyone ever respond to my question lol. So just for the record if you are out there I do see and acknowledge and follow the converrsation of you and many others no matter whether I make it known or not, it is registered in my thoughts and and pondered upon while in my silence
 

grind29

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As my first forum post, I'd actually like to congratulate the effect this post seems to have had. I've only been participating in chat for a month now and I'm pleased with a lot of the conversation. Some of us make a real effort and it spreads. I have seen plenty of the simple and dry comments intended to catch rain but less and less, and by newbies mostly. There's only so much that can be done aside from informing/warning/muting them. Perhaps make help button more noticeable? Maybe even linking this thread or something similar next to the help button? Anyway, I haven't been around long enough to really compare the past but this thread seems to have helped. Give yourselves a pat on the back!
 
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It is true to communicate there must be a topic issue regardless with sorrounding it must meaning full or with sense so you could resolve or make it better if there any case ...
 
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This was commonly made or said to schools or infront of the childrens ..old ones they want it there kids to see it how to be a nice person..but it turn tobe wrong in a other way/ like in the when they grow up they cant really fix or communicate well or handling small probs. The go over fighthing
 
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